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Showing posts from 2020

Blue Moon

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  Blue Moon is the first book I ever had published. It was originally published through a POD publisher, iUniverse, back in 2000. It was the only one of my books that I hadn't self-published. Because of that, over the last few years, it has become somewhat forgotten. But not anymore. I have gotten my rights back, and have self-published this title finally! With a whole new rewrite and new cover design. Blue Moon  is the book I had mentioned in an earlier post, that almost got made into a movie. It is the story of a doctor at a mental institution who is turned into a werewolf.  This story is actually a suicide note written on the night of a blue moon; the only night a werewolf can take its own life. I came up with this story roughly thirty years ago. I wanted to write something through the eyes of a person that was a werewolf, who could just describe the agony of it, and the sorrow he felt for the lives he had taken. When I originally wrote the book, it was a stand-alone title. Now

Still here

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  It's been almost a month since my last post. I guess old habits are returning. Old habits born of nothing to say. Steve and I are doing the same thing we've done for the last five months. We find ourselves battling boredom quite often. The dogs are making us crazy. And our backs are aggravated by sitting around so much. But what else can we do?  At least things are looking up on the political front. Joe Biden will soon be our President! Even though the idiot in the White House now still hasn't conceded. He will never admit that he lost, and he's making his lunatic followers believe the election was rigged. Those are the same dangerous idiots that don't believe Covid is real. Anyway, there have been good days and bad days. Depression shows up whenever it damn well pleases, and then leaves just as quickly. I see more of the middle of the night than I  would like. I can't remember when I last had a full night's sleep. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which is usuall

Difficult times

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  Up, down, happy, sad, awake, exhausted, excited . . . lately it seems I'm all over the place.  I haven't posted in almost a month. When I started posting regularly again it was back when this whole pandemic began, and I thought it would be fun to post every day of quarantine. I did a daily post for about fifty days, then I would do either daily or every other day. I simply ran of things to say that I thought would be interesting to anyone. Steve and I were quarantining when he was furloughed from Chuy's restaurant back in March. It was early on in the pandemic stage, so we enjoyed each day with minimal stress. Then he got called back to work when restaurants reopened and began relaxing precaution measures. Three weeks after he returned to work, Steve got Covid. It was a horrible ten days, but we got through it, and thankfully without me catching it. But there was no way Steve was going back to work after that, so he resigned. For the past seven months, we have been home

Nothing new to report

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  I haven't done a blog entry since we returned from vacation. There are probably several reasons for this, but the main one being, not much has happened in our lives. We go through each day much the same as the one before.  We've run out of most television to watch, and games between two people can only be fun for so long.  I am waiting for edits to return for My Leprechaun . I've decided to try a publisher with this one, instead of doing on my own. I'm on the fence about how I feel with that, but a change has to be made, and possibly this is it. So, that means, for those who were looking forward to the book, it will be a while before release. Sorry. I can't help but feel as if I'm constantly fighting the feeling of dread that seems to have overtaken my body. I'm sure it's the same feeling that has invaded thousands of others during this pandemic. But aside from the virus, and the fact that it's going to get worse in a few months, I'm scared abo

A fun adventure

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Steve and I decided we needed to get away. And a nine-hour road trip seemed like a good decision, because it would keep us away from people during these dangerous times, but also get us out of the apartment. So we went to Wyoming! Yellowstone was our main destination. We stayed in Jackson Hole, which is a really cute ski town. The slopes right behind our motel showed us that, even if it had been winter, skiing would not have been on the agenda. The first day we drove to Yellowstone. Our initial stop when we got there was, of course, Old Faithful. We didn't get out of the truck much during the trip, because we had the dogs with us, but we did leave them alone for a bit when we walked to see the show.  It was amazing to see the geyser in person, but even through masks, the smell of Sulphur was intense. It was a slightly humbling to think of the power that was just beneath our feet. And the super volcano under the entire park that could explode at any time. We spent the rest of the d

Oh, no, there's no global warming

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Yesterday it was just about 90 degrees. Today, it's snowing! In a few days we'll be back to temperatures in the 80s. But there's no such thing as global warming, right? Whatever!  Hopefully the snow will help put out the fires that are burning around the state. Sadly, there's no relief in sight for California. Their fires are so catastrophic, it's heartbreaking. The El Dorado fire has burned more land than any other single fire in history. Wow, will 2020 never stop issuing out bad news and horrible chaos? 

Road trip

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Steve and I decided to take a road trip to Yellowstone in a week or so. I'll admit that I'm a bit nervous to be out in the world so much during these scary times, but we'll be in the truck the majority of the time, so we won't be around many people. Even in the park, we'll have the dogs with us, so we won't be able to go out and walk around that much, so interaction will be limited. But no matter how anxious it makes me feel to be out, Steve and I need this trip. We haven't been able to do anything like this before because he was always working. We've lived in Colorado for almost six years now, and we've never been camping! Even when we lived on the mountain and could have camped in our backyard, we didn't.  Now we have the opportunity while he's not working to take a vacation. Also, once we move out of Colorado (yeah, we're leaving), we'd never make it back to Wyoming again, so we'll do it now. There's also another reason I

Not sure what to do

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  Well, I see that each of my blog posts gets fewer and fewer views. This is exactly why I didn't keep up with my blog for all these years: lack of interest. It's very difficult to deal with feelings of insecurity over and over again. To be made to feel that your boring and not worth the time. But I'm supposed to push through and keep on going. But for what? So I can waste time, only to see some teenager make millions on YouTube because they post dumb videos? Everything is backwards. People who bust their ass get nothing, while those who sit around get rewarded. I don't know what I can do to make my blog posts more appealing. I've tried not to focus too much on all the negativity that is going on in the world, but it's difficult when that's all I see. I didn't wake up in a bad mood this morning. It was a pretty nice morning, even had a great workout. But I can't avoid seeing bit and pieces of news on TV and social media that just keep pounding it int

Another sad loss

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We were shocked yesterday when we learned of the passing of Chadwick Boseman. At 43, he was so very young. RIP 😢

Night and day

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Yesterday I woke with a horrible headache that lasted on and off throughout the day and into the evening. This morning, however, I woke up feeling as if nothing had happened. That being said, I can feel a slight pressure beginning to build, because of the lingering smoke, but if yesterday was at a level 10 on the pain scale, right now it's at a 1. We're expecting a cold front in a few days that will lower temps and blow the smoke away, so hopefully that number will be a 0 before long. We did manage to go and get our flu shots yesterday, and the wait wasn't that stressful. There were only a few people who showed up after us, and we were in and out in about half an hour. It's nice to have peace of mind that we got the shot. I can't wait for the day when we can go get the shot for Covid-19. Other than tending to my head the past few days, not much has been going on around the apartment (I feel weird calling it "home" because it's not. It's an apartmen

Not a great start

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  My day started at 3:45 this morning when I woke up with yet another excruciating headache. Of course, no matter how much I don't want it to, this will set the tone for the rest of the day. I had intended to work out this morning, but couldn't do that. I was going to work on notes and edits for my books, but I couldn't do that, either. It's taking all can to type correctly here. I don't want to watch TV because it's all the morning news, and that will only bring me down further. There's no much I can do about the situation, with all the fires around us, the smoke isn't going anywhere any time soon. So, in this 95 degree heat, we'll try to run the AC as little as possible as to not suck in any of the smoke from outside. Good times. We're also going to Walgreens today to get a flu shot. They say be prepared to wait about 45 minutes. Great. My anxiety level should be wonderful by the time we get done. Stay safe. Mask up. Protect others. 💓
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Everything happens for a reason

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 I may have used that title on a previous post, but it's a phrase that I'm reminded of consistently. If 2020 hasn't brought with it enough heartache, California and Colorado are on fire. Multiple forest fires are scorching the states. One of the fires in Colorado is the largest in its history.  We can't go outside much, because the smoke is so bad. I had a pretty bad night last night because I started getting  a bad headache around three in the afternoon, and it only grew worse throughout the evening. It was borderline migraine by the time I crawled into bed. My head is better this morning, but I'm still feeling a bit off. And of course the smoke is just as bad today, so I have to stay in as much as possible. It makes me think again about the Cabin Above the Clouds. While it was amazing living up there, and I still miss it very much, I am reminded that, even though it was painful to leave, it's a good thing we sold the house when we did. There is no AC in the ca

A reason for hope

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  This year hasn't brought with it much hope for a bright future. But it has brought one thing that gives way to a light at the end of the tunnel.  Joe Biden and Kamal Harris.  With God's blessing, they will be our next President and Vice President. And when that happens, I won't be ashamed to say the word "president" out loud. I won't be afraid to turn on the television in the morning. I won't be afraid to get on Twitter in case it's covered with idiotic tweets and insults.  America will finally begin to heal. Literally and figuratively.  We just have to pray that everyone votes, and also that tRump doesn't mess with the elections. He has already attempted defunding the post offices to slow down the mail, because of mail-in votes. He's a cheater and crook, and the one thing I still fear is that he will cheat his way to another term. If that happens, America will fall.  But I have to have faith that there will be such an overwhelming amount o

A 2nd place I never expected

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  At least one bit of good news in 2020, Luthor came in 2nd place in the Legaia Books contest! I found out yesterday, and to be perfectly honest, no amount of positive thinking could squash that little voice in the back of my mind that was whispering, "You didn't win." Even when I saw the email, as I opened it I had that feeling of, Okay, let's see who did win . And when I saw Luthor in the 2nd place slot, there was a moment of holy shit! I had to look it over again to be sure I wasn't missing anything, and that I was seeing what I was seeing. Nope, it was really true. I have to say, it's an ego booster. One I really needed. It's that little bit of gas in a tank that was almost empty. Thank you to anyone who voted for Luthor , or even to those who  have simply read it. You know how dear this book is to me, and I owe any and all future success to you and your support. If you haven't yet read Luthor's heart-wrenching tale, Check it out HERE on Ama

Another Monday

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 Here it is, another Monday. For me, Mondays aren't a bad thing. It's the start of a new week, and better television is on. Weekend TV sucks. But seriously, there are times when I do dread the beginning of a new week. It only means more of the same. Try as we may, the repetitive days and boredom have been taking their toll, as is only natural. And another week beginning with nothing new is in sight. Just more of the same.  But we know there's nothing we can do about it, and remaining at home as much as possible is the smartest, safest, and most responsible thing to do at this time. Because as boring and frustrating as it may be at times, we still remember that there is a horrific pandemic going on, and there is no end in sight until next year. It seems, lately, I can't watch the evening news without crying at least once. I battle with needing to know what is going on in the world and not wanting to know. I don't want to see the amount of people who have died, while

New Luthor Trailer

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Twilight-like success

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  It's no secret to anyone who knows me knows what a fan I am of the Twilight books. I had recently did a post about the newest installment, Midnight Sun . That book sold a million copies in the first week !  What it must feel like to have the kind of success. Stephanie Meyer and JK Rowling have created amazing franchises with their books. I dream one day of having Twilight -like success. I dream of it happening with my Serpenteens series. The Twilight series was actually a huge inspiration when I was creating Serpenteens . The teenage siblings with superhuman powers. The bond between them. I mentioned in an earlier post that Brodee, the muscle-bound homeless member of the family, was influenced by Emmett in Twilight . I can't imagine a more perfect time for people to discover the group of teenagers who are trying to save the planet one horrific storm after another. At a time when our planet needs help more than ever, and more focus needs to be drawn to it. Kody, Talan, Lana

What's to come?

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 I try every morning to be positive, but every morning seems more and more difficult to do that.  Yesterday Steve and I had to run a few errands, which meant going into two or three different stores. Normally that would have been fun. But by the time we were almost done with the last errand, my nerves were frayed.  As we shopped at our last errand in the grocery store for a few things, including chicken fajita meat for dinner, I tried to be as calm as possible. Even when I asked one of the clerks were chicken fajita meat is and he replied, "Refrigerated?" I was nice enough to simply pause a moment and say, "It's chicken," instead of what I wanted to say which was, "No, dumbass, give me the room temperature meat, instead!" We never found the meat and ended up grabbing a pizza. 😡 Finally, we got back home where we were safe and sound. But the day set the mood for the remainder of the evening. I try not to worry about what's to come, but reports of

Another restless night

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  As I've mentioned several times over the last few months, I have been having a difficult time with sleep. I fall asleep with no trouble at all, it's just remaining asleep that I've been fighting with. It's usually around 3am in the morning (which in itself is beginning to freak me out), I wake up. Of course, because I'm awake, nature calls. By the time I go answer it and get back to bed, I'm more awake, even though I use only my phone for light as to not turn on anything brighter during the process. Still, I climb back into bed, hopeful that sleep will overtake me because there's that moment of utter comfort as I sink into the mattress and my head forms into the pillow. After about thirty seconds of utter comfort, I change positions. I make it a minute before the next change. This will usually continue for the next hour. After I fall asleep right before 4am, I wake up thirty minutes later to start the day with the dogs.  I've been trying different thi

Just getting through it

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  Well, it's another day. I haven't been as diligent with my blog lately, only because not very much has happened with us lately, since all we do is hang out at the apartment. I didn't want to come on here and just complain again, in fear of this blog becoming the bitch center for people who refused to wear a mask and tRump supporters (which are kind of the same thing). Steve and I have fallen back in to our earlier quarantine routine now that he is home full time again. Due to recent turn of events, we will remain in our apartment (on the third floor!) for another year, or until I get that huge breakthrough and a movie deal, whichever comes first. 😏 I did get the new Twilight book, Midnight Sun . I loved it, as I figured I would. It was the original story told through Edward's eyes, and it really opened up so much to the the story. So many questions were answered and even more fun information was added to how the Cullens live. And I had forgotten how big and hunky Em

Coming soon!

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Pixies and goblins and witches and nymphs, those are only a few of the creatures that live in a land called Irisia—the land inside a rainbow. It is a land seventeen-year-old Leo Shaw never knew existed until the morning he’s walking along a beach and finds the end of a rainbow and meets a leprechaun named Finn. Suddenly everything Leo knew or thought he knew about magical fey creatures was challenged as he helps Finn recover his stolen pot of gold. But bringing a human into Irisia creates an entirely new set of problems, and finding gold takes a back seat to staying alive, because as beautiful as Irisia is, there are dangers around every corner. With the help of a fairy named Fae, Leo and Finn encounter one life-threatening road block after another, and Leo finds strength within himself he never knew existed. All the while, coming to terms with the strong feelings of love that continues to grow between him and his leprechaun.

Review for Reunion

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"The book Reunion is a brilliantly told spine-chilling story by one of my favorite authors Pol McShane. As an author, he is already known for his young adult series Serpenteeens and Genie (in a Bottle) and with this ghost story Pol McShane takes storytelling to a whole other level of eeriness and spookiness with the story told in this book. The book is absolutely riveting from the beginning to the end." Get your copy now at Amazon !

Tik Tok, really?

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So, now the leader of the country (God, I hate even referring to him as that) is claiming that he is going to ban Tik Tok. Really? There's violence in the streets, (most of which he caused) and people dying by the thousands each day, yet his big concern is banning an app.  Why? Because the kids pulled one over on him with his rally with Tik Tok. He is still butt hurt about being made a fool of (you'd think he would to it by now), that he can't see straight. This moron is really going off the deep end. Trying to delay the elections (whatever), talking nonsense at his press briefings, flip flopping on Covid19 information and mask wearing. Oh, and last night he tweeted that four years ago he beat Obama and he can do it again. What the fuck? Does it really have to be explained to him that Obama wasn't running? There are so many things I worry about these days, but one of the main ones is the upcoming election. I am hopeful that tRump's reign will end, but he's such

Time for the DMV

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Today I have an appointment for the Department of Motor Vehicles to get the plates for my car and to renew my driver's license, that expires in four days.  We made an appointment online over a week ago, and I have been anxious about it ever since, simply because it calls for going to a public office and waiting around with others. Steve and I had tried to go by a couple of weeks ago to take care of this, but there was a line going around the corner, and I knew there was no way I was going to be standing in that. Thankfully, we were able to make an appointment and fingers crossed there won't be much waiting around. Again this raises my anger level when I see idiots like pastors and tRump supporters speaking out over wearing masks. They are arguing about their rights, and I'm anxious for a week about going to a public office. It's so crazy.  Those idiots that are fighting the masks, don't know anyone who has gotten the virus. If they did, they would just as scared as

Finished another one

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After an almost seven month break from writing, yesterday I finished another book. It is the first installment of a new new trilogy called My Leprechaun . The first book is titled The End of the Rainbow . I'm excited about this series, but I'm also filled with angst. Finishing a book and getting it ready to put out into the world and see what it does is usually an exciting time. There's always that chance that this book will be the one that puts my name on the map. In pure blog openness,  that's what I had hoped for when I released Reunion last October. It was my first ghost story, and I thought it would make a huge splash. But it didn't. I fought for months just to get a few reviews.  The excitement fizzled and faded. And something inside me turned off. That was the start of my break from writing.  I was sure I was done working so hard for nothing in return. But there was this story that I had wanted to tell for years. I had almost finished the first draft months

Coming soon!

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My Leprechaun!

Vision of success

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We're big proponents of putting things out into the universe and manifesting them to life.  I often spend time envisioning what success would look like for me. One day I won't have to envision it, I'll just have to open my eyes. But until then . . . The main focus of my success is to provide us with financial stability so Steve wouldn't have to work. With success I see many of my titles in the top ten rankings. It wouldn't take long before a movie studio or two take notice. I see Luthor and the Serpenteens series hitting first. Steve and I would of course be invited to the sets during filming. I see success as a time when people recognize the name Pol McShane. When someone says Dean Koontz, you don't ask, "Who's that?" Stephen King-"Who?"  No, people know those names. Even if they don't' read their books, they've heard of the authors. One day they'll know Pol McShane. I can't wait for the time when Steve and I are ou

Aw, Mulan!

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Well, Mulan was going to come out earlier, but with theaters closed, they moved it to July. Now July is here and they moved it August. Yesterday they updated it again, but said, there would be no release date set! It's being held indefinitely. That sucks! We were really looking forward to that move coming out. I get it, there's no theaters to release it to, so the studios pull it. But I feel they should have released it on demand and on DVD. Some people have an 82" television with surround sound at home, and that would be just fine. It would be better than waiting until whenever for the movie to come out. Even when it does, I am still wary about sitting in a theater. Unless this Covid thing is totally taken care of by then, I won't go anyway. This is just another example of how shitty this whole experience is. Steve and I comment to one another when we see things on television or the new way businesses have to operate, that it's so surreal that this is happening. E

Need your help

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Being an independent is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because no one takes the rights to your work. It's a curse, because marketing is a bitch. I have done most everything I can think of to get the word out about my books. I've advertised in movie theaters, sent out bookmarks and flyers and free books. I've got 13,000 Twitter followers and hundreds more on FaceBook and Instagram. I've even done readings, which I am not fond of doing.  In the big picture of things, with all the other millions of books and authors out there, I am still but a blip on a screen. But it doesn't have to be that way. Not with your help. I am always asking folks to tell at least one person a day about my books. Maybe that person will tell someone, and then someone else will tell another person. Word of mouth. You never know how much power it has until it's put into action. Another helpful tool are reviews. The more reviews a book has, the higher it is listed on search

Tested

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I had to finally go and get tested yesterday. I woke in the morning feeling okay, but as the hours passed, my throat got really scratchy and my head began to ache. This had happened a few mornings earlier and it passed, so I was sure it was simply allergies. But after Steve had been so sick, I could no longer just hope it's allergies. So the testing process itself was easy, go get signed in, and then wait in your car until they call you. I waited about ten minutes. When I went in to the exam room, a nurse took my temperature and then gave me some pamphlets to look over. The doctor came in a few minutes later. I was apprehensive about the way the tests were done, and I was hoping it wouldn't be as bad as it looked. It was. I don't want to put anyone off of getting tested if you need to, but for me, it was awful. As you can see in the diagram, a Q-Tip is shoved up your nose and rolled around for ten seconds. It was the longest ten seconds of my life. At home the rest of the d

Gone With the Wind

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So, it took me many years, but the other day Steve and I watched Gone With the Wind . I had never seen the movie, but obviously had heard about it for years. We purchased the Blu-ray version a few weeks back, and waited for the right afternoon to spend three hours watching it. So, what did I think about one of the most famous movies in history? I hated it. I hated it because of the lead character, Scarlett. She was just a whining, conniving, mean person. There was no way I could feel any empathy for her when things went badly. For me, if you don't like the lead character, then the entire book or movie or television show is ruined. That's what happened here. But at least I can now say that I have seen Gone With the Wind . Stay safe. Mask up. Protect other. 💓 Pol's Amazon page.

Why?

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It's sooooooo frustrating!!! Why, oh, why do people have to be so stupid?  Last night, Steve and I were taking the dogs out, and saw that the downstairs neighbor was having a party. Why would that be frustrating?   BECAUSE THER'S A PANDEMIC GOING ON! It's frustrating because, Steve helped take the dogs out last night, but that's pretty much all he can do because he is still recovering from this awful virus. The fatigue he is feeling is terrible. And he didn't even get the worst of it (thank God!). People think this thing is a joke. They think it's not that bad. Big deal if they get it. But, as Steve said last night, "They just don't know anyone who's had it yet." You know what's even sadder? The guy who was having the party is in the military. Great example of being responsible. Nice way to do what's right.  I have to say, during this pandemic, I have lost so much respect for the human race. I'm just disgusted by everything I see. P

Just keep on going

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I want to thank everyone who relayed their well wishes for Steve. He is doing much better, still fighting the fatigue  that comes with Covid19, but he's getting there. We had a bit of a scare yesterday when I woke up with a headache and scratchy throat. We were praying that it was just allergies. I spent the day taking my temperature and trying to prepare myself for being quarantined in the bedroom for ten days, and prepare Steve for taking care of the dogs and doing everything else on his own. Thankfully, as evening came on, my throat felt better. It was allergies, and I woke up this morning feeling fine. I hate living like this. I'm sure many do, but I really hate it! I hate the feeling of dread that pops up at any time during the day. I hate being afraid to go anywhere. I hate being afraid to touch anything if I do go anywhere. I hate that Steve had quit his job in order to stay safe. What I hate the most is, the ignorant people who are protesting about wearing a fucking ma

Reunion review

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⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ "Paranormal Masterpiece-I was fascinated by the ease in which the writer grabs his reader and holds on tight as I flew through this chilling ghost story totally absorbed in the tragedies that surrounded Lauderdale Park. Uncle Tobias had opened a door and in their return they searched for new children to "play" with-a new beginning for them. If you enjoy tales from beyond, fellow readers . . . this is the one to add to your collection. -To the author-Excellence from beginning to end." Check out Reunion HERE ! Stay safe. Mask up. 💓

Worst fears come to light

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It's been a while since I've posted, but it wasn't because I was being lazy. We were going through something here. A little over two weeks ago, Steve had a scratchy throat. We were hoping that it was simply allergies, but the next morning when he woke, we knew it was something worse. Steve was sick. He called into work and found a testing site and went down to get tested. We only got the results back yesterday ! But it confirmed what Steve knew: he had contracted Covid19.  Immediately upon arriving back from testing, Steve went into quarantine. The master bedroom would become his prison cell for the next ten days. That's what it came to feel like for him after a week. I would only go into the room to drop off food and grab dishes. I didn't go further than the door and always wore a mask. Steve also put a mask on any time I opened the door.  The dogs stayed out in the rest of the apartment with me for the next ten days. They were very confused as to why Other Daddy w

Not so patriotic

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Yesterday was the Fourth of July, but I was feeling far from patriotic. I have to say that I am so disappointed in America right now. I'm ashamed of this country.  I'm ashamed because of all the things that are going on right now. To start, look who a majority voted into the most important office in the country three and a half years ago. A fucking clown! Someone who is working with Russia to kill our service members. Someone who has been found guilty of crime after crime and indiscretion after indiscretion, yet nothing happens to him. Let's talk about the pandemic? Yes, it's world wide, but it's the worst in America. Why? The idiot in the White House. He was calling it a hoax for the first two months when actions were supposed to taken. Now, it's only getting worse. Okay, about the pandemic and Americans . . . There was a lockdown to start with, but then all the idiots were starting to protest because their "rights" were being taken away because they

Missed a few days

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I guess I missed a day or two lately with this blog. I haven't been sleeping well lately. Not that that's much of a surprise. But with the lack of sleep, very little else gets done. Which also leads to very long days while Steve's at work for 12 hours. I've been trying to keep focused on writing and being as positive as I possibly can, but it's difficult. There are more than  10 million Covid cases worldwide, yet there are still so many idiots who don't think it's that bad, and they refuse to wear a mask.  It makes you wonder, if this horrible virus was worse and people died every time, and that number of 10 million was dead, would people take it more seriously? Would they stop bitching about staying at home or wearing a mask when in public. I can't seem to get on social media without feeling my chest get tighter and my anxiety and stress rise. It sucks, because I have to try and be on social media to sell books. I want to try and look forward and say, &