Feeling at a loss

Well, today I had a big let down. Of course it's my own fault. I do this to myself constantly. I get myself all hyped up about something that will take more work than I actually give it credit. But that's how things get done, right?
Let me explain.
You see, I'm sick of Texas. Nothing against the Lone Star state, but I've been here for half my life and I'm ready for a change (not to mention that it is 103 today, and it's June). Actually, when Steve and I got back from our wedding trip to Canada we were both ready for a change.
For a while it was Canada, but there were too many hoops to jump through.
Then, we found Portland, Oregon! We saw a show about it on Logo. They talked about how it was the most gay friendly city in the country. And that fit us just fine. Anywhere where we can feel more welcome, is right up our alley.
Anyway, we've been dreaming of Portland for a while now, and I thought I had put together a plan.
You see, we're selling our house (something we've been trying to do on and off for the past year), and that would open us up for a move. But I'm five years away from retirement with the City of Austin, and that little nest egg is something I can't let go of (security, you know).
Anyway, I had a plan. As some of you may know they've been working on adapting my book Blue Moon into a movie. When principal photography starts, I will get some money. Of course that's still at least a year away, possibly more, but it's still there. And of course there's always the chance that things won't happen and the film won't be made at all, but we don't talk about that possibility in this house.
So, my plan was to use that money to buy whatever years are left of my retirement. Then we'd have that and we could move to Portland and we could both get chill, non-stress jobs and enjoy our new life.
But nooooooo! I called today to get an estimate on how much each year would cost to buy: 45% of my annual income! What the fuck? (Hey, I can curse, there's an adult content warning before you open my blog). So, what the fuck?! It would cost me more to buy the retirement than I actually have in retirement!
So, we're stuck here. I feel as if I'm a prisoner who has five more years on his sentence and had the chance to be released early but just lost an appeal.
That's okay, it just pushes me harder to get my other books published and get the money I need. If I could at least buy two years, then I could be out in three!
Well, that's it. That's why I feel at a loss. Kind of crushed, but at the same time, determined. We're gonna get to Portland if it's the last thing we do!
Stay tuned-


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